Still Here
by Stella-Siha
Summary: A year after Shepard's death (Mass Effect 2), Kaidan is still dealing with sorrow and grief but his memories keep him sane.


_This weird story happened because of the song Still Here by Digital Daggers (I will post a link on my profile). I highly recommend listening to it because it is pure awesomeness.  
Rated M for a romantically written sex scene by the end and suicide is evocated (and I guess that needed a warning as well) Anyway, I hope you'll like it and please, read and review.  
_

_Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story._

* * *

"It has been a year today…" he murmured "a year…and you're already slipping away, babe."

Kaidan was sitting in an armchair facing the bay window of his apartment, a glass of warm whiskey in his right hand and clenching Shepard's N7 tank top in his left hand. Everything was dark but for the dim city lights of Vancouver. In spite of what the shrinks had told him about the five stages of grief and how, by now, he should be at the acceptance phase, he now genuinely missed her more than ever before. The ache that hadn't left the pit of his chest for the past year was now heavier, for the memories were starting to blur, leaving Kaidan with nothing to hold onto.

At first, he had found the strength to move on because she _was _still there with him, his senses keeping her alive. How could he ever forget Shepard's sparkling green eyes, her smell, so sweet and delicious, the way her firm body molded against his? Kaidan had innocently thought that nothing could ever come in the way of his memories but Time had told him wrong.

Taking a sip of his whiskey, Kaidan tried to enjoy the liquid running through his body, giving him the fleeting illusion of warmth when really, all he could feel was the cold left by her absence. He had been unable to do anything productive today therefore, he had opted to just give in to the crushing anesthesia that had taken control of his body. He didn't feel anything but for this haunting hollowness eating away at him. Kaidan closed his eyes for a second, trying to shut off the world around him. _'Where are you?'_ He desperately wondered _'Why don't you come and take me away with you, love?'_

"I should have gone down WITH YOU and the Normandy!" Kaidan shouted to the darkness around him, out of uncontrollable sorrow and anger at being alive, his biotics flaring and leaving a fainting light blue aura around him. He tried to regain control and as the tension was slowly dropping, he allowed himself to relive the past for a second…

_**Normandy SR-1, Med bay.**_

_The migraine was starting to wear off it seems and Kaidan hoped Chakwas would let him leave as soon as possible for they were heading to Virmire and he desperately wanted to go on the battlefield with Shepard. Trying to open his eyes, the harsh lights of the med bay reminded him that his migraine was far from being over and he groaned in frustration. Sighing heavily, he suddenly felt a hand take hold of his, followed by a sweet voice saying "Ssssh, calm down". He didn't need to open his eyes to know who was there with him. His body tensed but he could not hide the grin spreading across his face._

_"Hey, Shepard… wh-what are you doing here?" he said through clenched teeth, the sound of his own voice sending poundings of pain in his skull._

_"Just checking on you." she replied in a whisper, her fingers caressing his knuckles. He liked –no, he loved, her for understanding him without even asking; she was a biotic, just like him, and she had knew how to adapt to him and all that his L2 implant implied. The chemistry between them since the day she had put foot on the Normandy had grew into this mere attraction and affection that they both had a hard time hiding and fighting off. There were still regs but after losing Rahna, Kaidan was ready to say to hell with regs and completely open up to Shepard; yet they had a war to finish and enemies to fight first._

_The warmth of her hand on his was like the touch of an angel and it seems that just by her presence, Shepard was able to ease his pains. He wished he didn't have to let go of her and tell her how she made him feel. He knew it wasn't just a crush now, it was pure and raw love he felt for his Commander. Telling her about it in the middle of a migraine didn't seem like the best idea and the thought made him chuckle a little._

_"Care to share?" Shepard asked, amused, when she saw his growing smile._

_Opening his eyes a little, he looked at her through heavy eye lashes and just seeing her radiant face made his stomach flutter and his heart beat faster. He entwined his fingers with hers and simply said "Thank you, you know, for being here."_

_When she bent over, his heart stopped and alarms sounded in his head, was she going to kiss him whereas he was barely conscious and able to move? Instead –for both his relief and delight, she placed a soft kiss on his cheek and replied "I deeply care for you, Kaidan. Being here, it's the least I could do." And with that, she threw a quick "I should go", let go of his hand and exited the med bay._

Coming back to his senses, Kaidan wished he could recall the way her hand had felt on his skin that day. He _did _remember the gesture but not the sensation that came with it anymore. At that, the lump in his throat that he had fought off all day long came back in full force. He tightened his hold on her shirt, as if to make himself believe that she was still here, that she could still heal all of his open wounds just like she used to.

Taking a long breathe out, Kaidan rubbed his eyes and tried to clear his head. Staring into space, he realized that nothing made sense anymore: the Alliance was the constant reminder of how he had lost Shepard, his apartment the place that had sheltered and witnessed their shore leave and with every beat of his heart; he missed her and wished he could be with her.

"That's it," he nodded "being with you is the only thing that makes sense. You were –_are_, the only thing that make a damn sense in my life and…' he paused, "I ca-can't even be with you, my love." Kaidan held his breath for a second, secretly hoping he would get an answer. He had never been a believer, never believing there was _something_ after life but Shepard's death had changed everything. He wished she was at peace, that she was getting the rest she deserved; but more selfishly, what he hoped for was that maybe she was still around him, listening to him and he was _certain _of it, taking care of him…

_**5 months after the attack of the Normandy SR-1, Kaidan's apartment.**_

_"I will come back tomorrow, Alenko," the Turian said, "Until then, just relax and everything will be fine."_

_"Yeah, thank you Garrus." Kaidan replied, offering his friend the ghost of a smile._

_Garrus, as the true and faithful friend he was, was no fool and knew what had been going on between him and Shepard. Since her death, he had been of a real support for Kaidan but words and kindness, as much as they mattered, would not bring Shepard back and would never mend his broken soul and guilty mind._

_As soon as the door closed behind Vakarian, he brought a hand to his mouth and sobbed "My God, I left you alo-alone… Alone inside a wrecked ship on fire, in the middle of space…" He still tried to understand how this had sounded like a reasonable idea, how he had been stupid enough to follow her orders whereas she was heading head first to her death –her lonely death._

_"My God," he repeated, unable to get a grip, "How could I do this to you?"_

_At that moment, **it **occurred to him, crystal clear. His eyes searched the room and stopped once they found what they had been looking for, on a nearby sideboard: a little orange bottle._

_Kaidan felt as if he was in a bubble, time did not matter anymore; the bottle, now the center of his world. He calmly stood up and took hold of it, starring at it for a while, motionless._

_"Only a few of those and I will be with you" he uttered, slowly making his way back to the sofa._

_He nodded, convincing himself that it was the right thing to do, and made quick work of the cap. His shaking hands let a few pills fall in his palm and without thinking, he shoved them into his mouth and as he was about to grab the glass of water on the coffee table, it inexplicably moved backwards and fell over, the shattering sound taking Kaidan out of his torpor. He spilled the pills all over the floor in a jiffy._

_When he took in what had just been about to happen, Kaidan's face turned as white as snow and horror, as well as disgust distorted his features._

_"Oh my god" he repeated again and again, bringing his hand over his mouth, "Oh God, what…?"_

After that, Kaidan had buried this event in a deep and dark corner of his mind, occasionally digging it up when his burden was too much to bear. He still tried to work out how the glass had been able to move on its own volition. With a small smile on his face and a convicted voice, he said "It was you." Kaidan had pondered on it a lot and this was the only explanation his heart and soul believed in. The relevant reason his mind had come up with was that unconsciously, his biotics had somehow, counter attacked for he had been a danger to himself right at this moment. Yet, he liked thinking that Shepard, from wherever she was, had prevented him from doing a mistake and looking back now, he _knew _it had been her way to tell him to hold onto life. Using this tragic event as a motive, Kaidan had returned to the Alliance in the following week, deciding that maybe it was time to come to grips with his own life again.

However, right now, Kaidan's heart was still as heavy as the day she had died. Leaning forward, he took a long look at the sparkly buildings of Vancouver, knowing there was nothing to be found in this beautiful view. Nothing could ever bring her back to him, he could wish as hard as possible, the love of his life would never come back and Kaidan still did not even want to start considering it. It would mean having a fresh new start, pretending to find an interest in this meaningless new life when, in the back on his mind, there would always be her beautiful haunting face.

All these daily realizations were piling up, the demons too numerous, and in a desperate rise of anger, Kaidan gulped the rest of his whiskey, throwing the glass on the coffee table, the strong liquid burning his throat, making him wince.

"Why don't you let go of me if what you want is for me to have my life back!" he shouted, unshed tears forming in his eyes. He brought her tank top up to his face and inhaled the faint scent of her.

"How I wish you were here, babe" Kaidan sobbed, heavily breathing through the black fabric.

His mind was racing, contradictory feelings blending into this painful agony. He knew he was able to deal with living with her memory and honor her sacrifice by perpetuating the fight against the Reapers that they had started on the Normandy _'but I don't think I will last much longer if you keep haunting me' _he silently admitted.

Being honest with yourself was the first step to _real_ recovery. He cherished Shepard more than anything else in the world but her lingering ghost kept him in the past whereas he had to move forward. She would always have all of him for he belonged _to _and _with _her. However, expecting the silence around you to answer your questions, staying in front of the mirror, wishing you would see her face next to yours, your sanity depending on the vision of your actual dead lover; nothing good could come out of it.

Such a self-confrontation with the bats in his head had left Kaidan washed out and it is slowly that he left his comfortable armchair, never leaving Shepard's tank top, to lie on his hard yet comfortable bed. Lying on his back, he brought his left arm up to his forehead, closing in his eyes, and softly placed the N7 piece of cloth on his chest.

His heart beat was starting to slow and he drifted in the memory of the sound of her even breathing when she had been lying here, next to him, during their shore leave. It brought a small smile to Kaidan's lips but nothing would be able to ease the pain away today. The flow of emotions that had overwhelmed him was the results of days of trying to appear flawless and sane to the world outside.

"I wish I had save you, my love" he muttered "I wis-wish I had told you how much I love you"

Feeling the lump in his throat back, Kaidan fought it off with a memory…

_**A week after the attack of the Citadel, Kaidan's apartment.**_

_"Hey you" were the sensually whispered words that awoke Kaidan. Stretching a little and loudly breathing out, Kaidan slightly turned around to see Shepard's smiling face only a couple inches from his. God, did she look beautiful._

_When the famous Savior of the Citadel had finally been given shore leave, Kaidan had naturally suggested Vancouver to spent some shore leave, where he knew the mass media would leave her alone, at least for a few days. Shepard had gladly accepted and it was after a long, very long trip that they had finally arrived to his apartment. His plans of a romantic dinner when they would arrive had fallen through, seeing how exhausted they were. Kaidan had given her a quick tour of his place and she had immediately fallen in love with the view offered by the giant window in the living room. She had stood there with sparkles in her eyes while he was staring at her in silent. She had slowly turned to face him, placing a soft, lingering kiss on his lips and had whispered "Thank you" before yawning._

_After removing their pants and combat boots, they had both gotten into bed and without even getting enough time to say goodnight, had peacefully fallen asleep in each other arms._

_Now, she was offering him the best way of waking up and without thinking more, he leaned in, closing the gap between them, kissed her sweet lips and murmured "Hey stranger" in between kisses. For his delight, she didn't seem to want to stop their current activity so he deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue across her upper lip, eagerly entering her hot, velvety mouth._

_As their tongues were dancing with each other, she moaned in the back of her throat and Kaidan's body temperature suddenly rose. He let his hand wonder down the side of her breasts to the curve of her waist. They both shivered when his hand finally made contact with the soft skin of her hips, achieving its journey to the back of her thigh, urging her to straddle him._

_In one swift movement, she was on him, her warm, wet center rubbing against his growing erection. As Shepard grabbed his wrists, she lifted his arms above his head and pinned them down with her hands. Kaidan closed his eyes and groaned, enjoying what she was doing to him._

_"I've missed you so much" she huffed against his face, her nose nuzzling against his cheek as her lips trailed wet kisses along his jawline, down to his neck. With each of her movement, her breasts were brushing against his hard chest, driving him mad with desire. After the night before Ilos, they had agreed on staying professional and waiting until their shore leave to further their relationship. He had longed for her every day and he knew she had too, by the way she had been looking at him back on the Normandy. They had shared a few stolen kisses, glances full of desire and long, sleepless nights thinking about the other._

_Freeing himself from her hold, he brought his hands to square her face and as his eyes were burning into hers, gave her a long, full of longing kiss, his silent "I've missed you too". When he released her mouth, they were both panting, their eyes dark with desire._

_As Shepard was making quick work of the buttons of his white shirt, he rested his hands on her hips, his firm arousal bucking against her warmth. Longing to feel her bare breasts against him, Kaidan let his fingers wonder over the sensitive skin of her lower back, making her moan with anticipation and wickedly smile. "Bad boy" she uttered, helping him remove the annoying piece of cloth that was her shirt. For his surprise, she didn't wear a bra. Chuckling, Kaidan pushed her over on the mattress, her slender legs instinctively wrapping around his waist and he bent over, playfully saying "Commander Shepard, you're a bad girl." Kissing his way down to her chest, he used the opportunity to get rid of his shirt and as his mouth was lavishing one of her breast, he brought one of his hands up to the other one and teased it as well._

_Short whimpers were escaping her mouth and her lower body was grinding against his painful hardness. Overwhelmed by the feel, the sense, the taste of her, Kaidan knew he wanted nothing more than to be one with her, right now. They would have plenty of time to explore each other's body in the next few day and by the way her body was tempting his, he knew she would not hold this eagerness against him._

_Leaving a last kiss in between her breasts, Kaidan reluctantly rose from his current position and just sat on his bent knees between her legs. "You look so beautiful" he uttered, enjoying the sight of her blushing cheeks. In this moment, he knew it would always be her._

_Locking eyes with her, he let his fingers creep down her soft body, eliciting goose bumps on his passage, her quickening breathe driving him wild. Never leaving her eyes, Kaidan teasingly and slowly removed Shepard's panties and kissed each of her legs._

_Rising from the mattress, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and grounded her lips on his, returning the affection he was giving her. Her hands quickly left his neck, going down his hard chest, down his abdomen that stiffened under her touch, and followed the curly trail of hairs leading past the waistband of his trousers.. In no time, she unzipped the piece of cloth and freed him from his restraining boxers._

_He gasped and Shepard wrapped her soft yet strong hand around him and Kaidan captures her mouth with his, allowing her to swallow his moans and groans. Letting her pleasure him, he gently pushed her backwards until she was flat on her back and started stroking the sensitive spot between her legs, two deft fingers invading her hot core._

_After a blissful time of playing and teasing each other, without releasing her grip on him, Shepard guided Kaidan between her wet folds, and he pushed into her in one swift movement, making them both scream of ecstasy at this new connection._

_Their bodies moved as one, their burning skins never getting enough of the warmth of the other. Their movements were first deliberately slow, both of them enjoying this reunion but the long-held back love and desire quickly took over them and Kaidan pushed harder, faster into Shepard's depths, never getting enough of her, seeing the same feeling on Shepard's face and eyes._

_It didn't take long for the two soldiers to find their release and as Shepard was at the pic of her climax, Kaidan pushed one last time into her, spreading his white seeds into her. They stayed in each other arms for a while after that, unable to move, afraid to break their cocoon of happiness._

Alone in his bed now, Kaidan wished more than ever that he had told Shepard he loved her at that moment, when she had nuzzled her face in the crook of his neck afterwards. She had looked so peaceful, so lovely –so loving. He had never found the courage to word his feelings out back them, always holding it over to the next day, without knowing that ten days from then, she would be gone.

Kaidan didn't fight the raging grief off this time. He embraced it, all his strength gone from so much struggling. Turning to look at the empty and cold spot where her beautiful face had smiled at him, he let the tears stream down his face this time.


End file.
